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Når du tror du når bunnen, har du egentlig nådd den? Når alt stritter i mot din vilje, gir du opp? Hva med følelsene dine? Er de fanget i et stort hav hvor du ikke finner den følelsen du trenger for å holde deg sammen?

Når ting ikke går slik at har planlagt, så ja, det kan være vanskelig. Man prøver å finne muligheter og hjelpemidler for å fortsette på samme veien som man gjorde. Man kan klare å gå den samme veien, men det vil være et ujevnt terreng med mye utfordringer. Akkurat nå har dette føltes ut som et tilfelle som rammet meg og min tankegang.

Bilde: Benedicte Kristiansen Holm

Jeg er et stabeist av rang og har alltid vært det. Jeg er sta, strukturert og tålmodig. Jeg bruker tid på at ting skal bli perfekt, men noen ganger må man innse at det ikke går på den tiden du har satt. Stolt sa jeg ja til at jeg skulle konkurrere, nå sier jeg med et lite smil – nei. Jeg hadde lagt store planer om å konkurrere. Det er vel noe som jeg har planlagt i i 2år. Lenge har jeg hatt i tankene for at jeg skulle konkurrere i bikini Fitness. Ikke fordi jeg syntes det så fantastisk ut utseendemessig, men jeg vill utfordre meg selv og se hva kroppen min egentlig klarte. Som sagt er jeg sta og skikkelig seig i hode. Jeg tåler mye føre jeg legger meg flat. Så hva skjedde?

Etter å utsette kroppen for så lite mat og så mye stress, så blir kroppen sliten. Immunforsvaret blir dårligere og kroppen prøver å si ifra til deg at noe er galt. Etterfulgt av sykdom og føle seg utslitt, så kom det sakte problemer med knærne. Jeg var på trening. Skulle gjøre en øvelser for armer som gjorde at jeg først skulle sette meg ned på gulvet. I det jeg satte meg ned kom det en akutt smerte i hele benet som kom fra kneet. Jeg tenkte det gikk over, men det gjorde det ikke. Etter tid fikk jeg det sjekket ut og det var problemer i begge kneskålene mine. Jeg kan ikke trå ordentlig på bena eller gå på de over lengre tid. Det var smertefullt, og derfor ikke lenger aktuelt å trene bein.

Jeg fikk flere anbefalinger om at jeg måtte legge fra meg konkurransen, men så sta som jeg er, så sa jeg nei. Jeg fortsatte til jeg innså at det ikke var mulig lenger. Ved å innse at det ikke lenger var mulig, så vil det si at jeg presset meg igjennom smerteterskelen og levde på smertestillende. Nå er det fokusering på rehabilitering ettersom jeg innså at jeg gjør alt verre for meg selv. Jeg har en fantastisk trener som støtter meg opp og hører på meg. Vi kom til enighet at jeg ikke rakk å stile i år med tanken på healingsprosessen og med at jeg ikke kan trene tungt. Med god støtte og hjelp prøver jeg forsiktig og jobbe meg igjennom kneskade på begge knærne, og jeg valgte bort noe som sto høyest på lista mi. Det er tungt å innse at det ikke lenger er mulig, men det er også en lettelse. En lettelse ved at jeg har muligheten til å bygge meg opp. Bli sterkere og komme sterkere tilbake. Jeg har trening i meg fra jeg var liten, og det er noe jeg ikke vil gi opp. Trening har vært løsningen min på mye igjennom min ungdom, og jeg føler at det er blitt min livstil som skaper en lykkefølelse. Om jeg ikke får stille, så trener jeg for helsa. Spiser mer mat, og gir kroppen det den trenger for å føle seg bedre.

Bilde: Benedicte Kristiansen Holm

Benedicte Kristiansen Holm // LA Lifestyler


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